Tuesday, March 23, 2010
Anyway, as I stared at my purposefully empty uterus, I began to feel that little knot well up in my throat-yes, you know the one. Somewhere in Africa, there is a lady whose uterus is not empty right now...rather, it is likely filled with my little miracle (or miracles). I have never met her. I do not know her name, how old she is, whether she is married or unmarried, whether she has food and water or shelter to keep her healthy and safe. She does not know how much I love her and that child, how often I think of her, wonder where she is or what she is doing, and she doesn't know how often I lift up prayers knowing that my God knows exactly who and where she is and what her needs are. Oh, how I wish I knew her. She is the most courageous woman I ever hope to meet.
Although she will not likely have the opportunity to lay on a table and look at her unborn child on a monitor, she will know them in a personal, intimate way before they are ever born. She will be the one to feel the midnight jabs of heels or elbows, to endure the hours of agonizing labor, to be the first to hold her child, our child, in her arms. Yet, the one thing she is certain to end up with in the end: emptiness. Emptiness in her uterus, yes, but an even deeper emptiness in her heart and soul. She will give her child to us, and we will get the wet sloppy kisses, the first words, the first everything...yet she will have been their mommy first. It is a right that can not and will never be taken from her. But will her "firsts" be enough to sustain her from the enveloping pain that the emptiness will bring? Oh God, please let those moments sustain her and give her peace.
We have to reconcile that this child (or children) that we are so longing for, that we will one day soon hold in our arms forever, a gift to us from our God in Heaven, was someone else's first. The fact that God has allowed them to come into our lives means that He has allowed that emptiness in someone elses. This fact, I am certain, will leave a little piece of emptiness in my heart for her forever, and a million times more thankfulness than you can ever imagine for this woman I do not know. How can I so desperately want something that will cause someone else such pain?
Thursday, March 18, 2010
Tuesday, March 16, 2010
1) We will have less wait between trips 1 and 2 (presumably)...
2) We will have a higher chance of meeting our kiddos birth family (they are required to attend court)...
3) We will know when (if) we go home between trips 1 and 2 that our kiddo is our kiddo, no give backs :)...
So, to speak to the "if" in no. 3...we are definitely on our knees about the time between trip 1 and trip 2. There are definite plus' to coming home between, specifically the visa that is issued to our kiddo- no re-adoption in the US would be necessary. However, the idea of leaving our kiddo behind after just meeting them seems very emotionally overwhelming. If the time between trips amounted to weeks, instead of months, we would certainly consider staying in country the whole time, even if it meant that Brandon had to come home before us. We are also not certain that our agency will allow this, but we are keeping the door open for that. I know that we are not the only ones with this on our minds, so as more families travel and rules are established, God will have the opportunity to open or close this door for us.
Mainly, we continue to be thankful for our case workers and in country workers with AGCI, maintaining the utmost professionalism and concern for families. Also, the families walking this path with us have a high amount of integrity and love for our Lord, and for that I am also grateful. We knew the path to our kiddos would be filled with joy, uncertainty, and longing...but thankfully God is walking ahead!
Remaining on our knees for our kiddos...
Saturday, March 13, 2010
A good friend of mine in my Seminary program is writing an original curriculum for kiddos about the Armor of God. As I have been evaluating it for our class, I realized that some days I leave mine hanging in the closet. Leaving the Armor of God hanging in our closet is like leaving our coat and gloves at home and wearing shorts and a tank top when there is 6 feet of snow. It is an all around bad idea!
Thursday, March 11, 2010
You are the Sovereign God, bigger than all my problems. And in every situation, there is nothing too hard for the Sovereign God. A wave of Your hand can command the seas to hold their peace. If you can handle the seas, then I know that You can deal with all my needs. So, I will put every situation into Your capable hands. I don't have to know the plan...because You are Sovereign God.
He is able to do exceedingly abundantly above all we ask or think; so take your burdens and lay them at His feet, and watch Him meet the need. We have victory, because You are...
You are the Sovereign God."
--"Sovereign God", by Maurette Brown Clark
Wednesday, March 10, 2010
Tuesday, March 9, 2010
My hubby Brandon and I have been married for 11 years, together for 16...he is the love of my life, my best friend. Our passion for each other rivals our passion for our God, the rock upon which we stand. We have no children yet, with the exception of the most spoiled Yorkie-poo on the planet... she is jet black, so my mother in law teases that our kiddos will fit right in with her black grand-dog. I have yet to determine if this analogy follows proper etiquette. (smiling)
You see, we surprised our families fiercely with our call to adoption around our birthdays in October. I am sure as they opened their "birthday presents", they may have been expecting an ultrasound picture, or something of the sort, yet they were met with a frame filled with the prayer and scripture that is on the side of the blog. Brandon and I have chosen adoption as our first choice, because Africa is where our children are. I knew it the first time I held an African baby in my arms...Brandon, well, God needed some more time to work on him :)But here we are, after much prayer, many late night talks, and that mountain of preparation they call "paperwork", and God is good.
Now, we wait. Some days the waiting is OK. Time is filled with ministry (I am a Children's Ministry Director), homework (finishing my Master's degree in Children's and Family Ministry),being the wife God intended me to be, family, friends, and all the goodness God gives me everyday! Other days, the wait stinks...those days, time is filled with blog stalking, AGCI list serve stalking, sitting in the baby's room, crying, and all other worry filled, self involved things that do nothing to honor God :) The good thing- He is there no matter what kind of day I decided to have!
Anyway, I have been procrastinating at starting this blog, probably because through my blog stalking of fellow ET adoptions, I have become slightly intimidated, as if it is somehow a contest :) Today, I decided it would be an amazing gift to our kiddos to show them that their momma was always super crazy about them, or just super crazy...probably both! I hope you enjoy sharing this journey with us...